Special Dispatch: "The Application" Is Now Available
MEMO-2026-INTERIM · OFFICE OF THE CHIEF SLACKING OFFICER · CLASSIFICATION: PUBLIC
To all employees, past, present, and prospective,
This communication has been authorized for release outside the standard memo dispatch cycle. The Department of Corporate Communications assures readers that normal scheduling will resume within 48 hours.
The Announcement
The Hardly Working “application” is now available on the iOS App Store.
This marks the conclusion of several months of infrastructure development. The product is functional. The onboarding procedure takes under two minutes. Apple has given its consent. Your current employer has not been notified.
What “the Application” Does
As documented in the founding Notice of Incorporation, Hardly Working Corp. was formed to quantify the gap between employment and productivity. The measurement tool is now operational.
“The application”:
Tracks non-productive time across ten pre-approved activity codes (Coffee Run, Doom Scrolling, Staring Into the Void, “Thinking”, Long Lunch, among others)
Calculates the dollar value of said time at each employee’s self-reported hourly rate
Files daily, weekly, monthly, and career-long reclamation reports
Provides anonymous global benchmarks by country and industry
Enables the formation of private Reclamation Units with coworkers, with leaderboards that the Department of Employee Morale would disapprove of, if it still existed
For your convenience, The Department of Visual Communications has provided an image:
Enrollment
Enrollment is voluntary. No interview is required. No references will be contacted. Your existing employer will not be informed in any way.
Terms
“The application” is free to use. A promoted tier (”Executive”) is available for employees seeking access to additional analytical tools, with a seven-day orientation period. The free tier (“Intern”) is fully functional. No individual time entries are ever shared with external parties. The company’s position on privacy is non-negotiable.
A Note From Mr. D.
John D., Employee Relations Officer, has requested the inclusion of the following statement in this bulletin:
“It takes less time to enroll than to finish your coffee. I know because I timed it. I was doing both.”
Mr. D.’s statement was not pre-approved for corporate distribution. It has been included nonetheless, as a matter of textual record. The Department of Corporate Communications has been notified. No action will be taken.
Looking Ahead
Normal memo cadence resumes in 48 hours. The next dispatch will examine the core research underlying the company’s operational thesis.
The Department of Employee Morale remains dissolved. This status is not expected to change.
Welcome to the firm.
— J. Pemberton
Chief Slacking Officer
Hardly Working Corp.
(This bulletin was drafted in under twenty minutes, which is an unusually high productivity rate for the Office of the CSO.)