Approved Activity Codes: A Classification Guide

MEMO-2026-004 · DEPT. OF COMPLIANCE · CLASSIFICATION: ALL EMPLOYEES

To all employees,

Effective immediately, Hardly Working Corp. has standardized the classification system for non-productive time. All employees are required to log their reclamation activities using one of the ten approved activity codes listed below.

These codes have been arranged in order of escalation, from innocent to existential. Please select the code that most accurately describes your current state of not-working.

Code 01: Coffee Run ☕

The procurement of caffeinated beverages during allocated work hours. Includes travel time to and from the machine, the line, the conversation you didn’t plan to have, and the five minutes you spent staring at your phone while waiting for the milk to froth. Industry standard: 2–4 instances per day.

Code 02: Bathroom Break 🚽

The exercise of basic biological functions. Hardly Working Corp. does not monitor the duration of bathroom visits. We note, however, that the average bathroom break has increased 340% since the introduction of smartphones. We do not consider this a coincidence.

Code 03: Chatting 🗣

Verbal communication with colleagues on topics unrelated to any assigned deliverable. Includes gossip, complaints about management, discussions about lunch, and the phrase “Did you see that email?” followed by twenty minutes of analysis.

Code 04: Doom Scrolling 📱

Passive digital content consumption during allocated work hours. Characterized by repetitive thumb movement and a vague sense of despair. Platforms include but are not limited to: social media, news sites, Reddit, and whatever has replaced TikTok this quarter.

Code 05: Online Shopping 🛒

The browsing and/or purchasing of goods and services using employer- provided internet access. Includes adding items to cart, removing items from cart, adding them again, reading reviews, and closing the tab in shame. Actual purchases are optional.

Code 06: Errands 📋

Personal administrative tasks performed during work hours. Scheduling appointments, paying bills, texting your landlord, researching flights for a vacation you cannot afford. The administrative overhead of being alive.

Code 07: Looking Busy ⌨️

The deliberate performance of productivity in the absence of actual output. Typing purposefully while reading nothing. Furrowing your brow at a spreadsheet you do not understand. Nodding during a meeting you stopped listening to fourteen minutes ago. This activity requires advanced professional competencies.

Code 08: “Thinking” 💭

The quotation marks are deliberate. This code covers the gray area between genuine creative contemplation and simply staring at a wall. If asked what you are doing, the correct answer is “thinking through the architecture” or “letting the idea marinate.” No one will question this.

Code 09: Into the Void 👁

Unstructured cognitive disengagement. The mind has left the building. The body remains at the desk. You are not thinking about work. You are not thinking about not-work. You are not thinking. This state is more common than any HR department would like to acknowledge, and more necessary than any productivity consultant would admit.

Code 10: Long Lunch 🍽️

A meal break that has exceeded its socially acceptable duration by a margin that can no longer be attributed to a slow kitchen. Includes the walk, the restaurant selection debate, the dessert you said you wouldn’t order, and the slow return during which you check your phone to see if anyone noticed.

A Note on Accuracy

Employees are encouraged to select the code that most honestly reflects their activity. There is no wrong answer. There is no judgment. The Department of Employee Morale has been dissolved and can no longer audit your selections.

Promoted employees (Executive tier) may create custom activity codes for activities not covered by this guide. We anticipate this will be necessary.

— Dept. of Compliance
This memo was drafted during a Long Lunch.